My Third Cup of Coffee

*i know this is not a post of character descriptions

i have this pair of xxl men's pajama pants from old navy...circa 1998. circa because i was living in connecticut when they were purchased...i remember driving in my green honda crv, with a tweedie bird suctioned to the back, driver's side window, driving down the post road, out of westport and into norwalk - the next town which some might argue is really a small city. an outing to old navy, on my own, to escape my bedrooms in the attic of the old pink house. singing loud and proud to songs about california as i dangled a cigarette out the open window, willing it to burn out, burn down, before i tried to force more smoke into my lungs. distracted from my singing only by chocking and coughing.

the pants are less than paper thin and ragged around the edges, like a perfectly worn pair of jeans that just brush the ground as i walk through the streets in my black alligator heels. worn while i hid from the world in my attic hideway. worn snow day after snow day in gucci house, drinking skim milk white russians while bonding over big breasts. four jews and an indian, we could have, should have, been our own sitcom. worn while living in new york, in my closet apartment, hiding from the people who collected their urine in yogurt containers and then took it over state lines to be added to their compost pile in the country. worn on the fungwah bus at the end of a perfect weeekend. worn as we unpacked wedding presents, trying to breakdown boxes with one hand while holding up my too large pants with the other. bleach stains...adding to the history.

last night, as i was climbing into my sky high bed at the end of my endless day, i stepped on the bottom of my pajama pants and awoke a tear that had been in hibernation for the last decade. and over the last 12 hours, with every trip to the bathroom, walk to refill my coffee mug, crossing of my legs as i stretch out my aching knees, the rip travels further up. and i know that when i take off this pair of xxl men's pajama pants from old navy...circa 1998...to officially begin my day...it will be for the last time. and so i want to stay in them just a little while longer.