i'm in boston...running around...no time to breathe...or sleep.
but very happy.
and cold.
and wet.
clearly the full story will follow - eventually.
but for now.
there's been a lot of really good hair...not mine...
and jeans, shortened with the original hem.
after my exciting (i also got a job interview) and totally stuffy day yesterday, i think i slept a total of 10 minutes last night. not the ideal setup for my red-eye tonight - or getting over my cold - or for the energy i anticipate needing for the next few days. i've never been so good at the power nap but i might need to rethink my priorities.
i can't even blame my lack of sleep on vampires (not the dream kind - the truly fictional kind, yep i jumped on THAT
i have an inappropriate anxiety related to weather (i blame my mother) and this seems to have only increased since my move to the more temperate climate. i think the old LBN would have doubted the weatherman's warnings and gone about life until getting surprisingly snowed in only to shuffle down a snow-packed commonwealth avenue to procure some much needed milk. but the LBN of today, WEST COAST LBN as it were, seems to be shaking in her boots, so to speak. 9 inches on wednesday?! really?? will my plane be able to land? what shoes are appropriate for such weather? will my friends be able to meet me for our scheduled dates (all revolving around necessary boston food)?
it's no wonder i didn't sleep - girl's got a lot on her mind.
at some point during our drive across the country this summer i got a call from the knot magazine - they had seen pictures from our wedding and wanted to feature us in the "real weddings" section of their magazine. yes please! i filled out a lengthy questionnaire filled with things i hadn't considered important - name all the flowers in your brides maid's bouquet...never mind that i didn't have brides maids. and tried to squeeze in all the details that i felt were most remarkable - the insane amount of barefoot israeli dancing that left me with a very broken bustle. and i sort of figured i'd never hear from them again and desperately hoped that we'd some how end up on the cover.
today, as i sat home on my couch, blowing my nose and popping sudafed, there was a knock on my door and a heavy box was delivered - 5 copies of the knot, spring/summer 2009. turn to page 69 and you'll find us in a 3 page spread (soon to be featured on the website as well). ABN will be happy because they didn't include the picture of him and BESTIE in front of my dad's convertible and i am happy because i am hoping that every person i went to high school/camp/college with will somehow get their hands on a copy (i can admit my neuroses).*
in an effort to take full advantage of my sick day - loving leah!? since when does hallmark make movies about religious jews? clearly i'm loving ever second of it - specifically rabbi rikki lake.
*i just discovered this picture and i think it is my new favorite - a reminder that a well fed couple makes for a happy couple.
i have been feeling sort of down the last couple of days...i don't think its for any reason in particular. i need to be reminded sometimes that's okay to not be super happy all of the time - it doesn't mean something is necessarily wrong - although i tend to assume it points the world ending. the weather has been blah which doesn't help and i was feeling so super powerful after quitting my job that i think whatever came next was going to be a bit of a let down.
in our couples class on thursday we were asked to share our career history which quickly turned into a list of degrees and achievements (seriously) which caused me to sink down in my chair AND breakout in hives. i was glad that this conversation came post job-quitting but left me feeling more lost than before...and definitely more alone in my lack of direction. it seems that the other couples have it all figured out...or at least are better at pretending that they do. of course, ever the humble spouse ABN kept his resume short and spared details which only further frustrated me as i felt like it was his duty to compensate. thanks to A&E i was able pop an ativan, unfortunately i didn't move quickly enough for water and by the time i swallowed the pill had all but dissolved, leaving me less than quick to respond for the rest of the class. in better news - i have decided which couple i like the best (what? i always have favorites) and plan to invite them (and maybe others...we will see) over for a shabbat dinner in the near future.
last night ABN and i had choices as to how to spend our shabbat - in weighing our options i choose the potluck-temple sponsored-dinner at a home around the corner from us (again, crummy weather) over services in the mission. if i had to make the same decision again i would have chosen differently - but we learn and grow and move on...right? instead of harping on the negative (i could go on...and on) i'll leave you with the two good points: 1. we seem to have hit our stride in SF. it's home. we don't need awkward shabbat dinners. we have people to be with and things to do. it feels good to not feel lost. and 2. we met a great new couple (the only other couple...but they do appear to be great). they recently moved from pittsburgh and we seem to fit together well (he hikes, she doesn't). when she left to go get her phone so we could exchange information the husband leaned in to whisper - she's going to be thrilled she made a new friend. i smiled and replied that i feel the same way.
i'm not sure if i mentioned this before but last week ABN made me a sheet of goals - for helping to determine what i want to do professionally and for writing (sometimes there is overlap). while i tend to get annoyed that ABN is so linear and i am, well, not, it's been more helpful than i had assumed. not only have i been getting in touch with friends of friends, and finding that there are a ton of agencies doing great work out here - i'm also realizing that there are things that are necessary in order to ensure a happy, working LBN. today i am adding this to the list: an office where it is not required but it is also not surprising to bring in home-made baked goods. do you think this is an okay question to ask in an interview?
so yesterday i totally quit my job - which you would think would be the end of the story. but oh no, there is SO MUCH MORE!
i don't think any regular readers of this here blog would be so surprised with the news. those who know me in real life might actually be a bit more shocked that i actually DID it (i'm the queen of continuing to do that which makes me miserable...in order to not rock the boat). i've been going back and forth for a while. with no new job lined up (and really no clear picture of what i want to do next) it might seem like an odd time to walk away from a regular pay check - but the reality is my entire pay check plus a hell of a lot more was going back to PINEAPPLE NATION and the nails/waxing/lifestyle that went along with it. i don't count on PN for my health insurance. and its been SO SLOW! in retail when it is SO SLOW it turns out there is absolutely NOTHING to do - heck, i couldn't even write a blog post to pass the time. after talking about the possibility of quitting until i turned various shades of blue, even i was getting sick of hearing myself. so yesterday morning i drank two extra cups of coffee, walked extra fast down market street, and authoritatively handed my manager my resignation paper.
next thing i know the director of human resources (what store has that?!) is on the floor.
him: what is piece of paper i have on my desk?
me: oh yeah, um, i'm leaving. my last day is february 4th
him: what can i do to make that not happen?
me: oh, um, that's so nice. no. i really need to focus on writing. and figuring out what comes next for me.
him: so you're committed to leaving.
me: yes*
him: we really don't want to loose you. i get that you want to write and take some time. but what if you stay in our system?
me: stay in your system?
him: yeah. basically don't resign. we can stop scheduling you. and then when you decide you want to come back, for either a regular part time position, or full time, or just a few hours a week, you can immediately come back. how ever you want.
me: so i just call you and check in every now and then?
him: you don't need to check in. just call when you are ready to come back.
me: and the whole time i just stay in the system?
him: yeah. we're the biggest PN in the world, we can do that kind of stuff.
me: does this mean i get to keep my discount?
yep, you read that right. i quit. i'm totally off the schedule. and i get to keep my discount!! i don't understand. this kind of stuff happens to other people...not me!!! the reality is, i had a great time working at PN for the first 4.5 months. its only been the last few weeks that have been completely unbearable. it's completely possibly that in 4 or 6 months i might decide that a shift a week, after working at a real job, is fun (and you know, will keep my ass in shape). the EXPERT was totally speechless at my news. he said that kind of shit never happens. i'm that good :)
so the news is, as of feb 4th i'm completely jobless (oh god!) and searching (who do you know?) and writing (i signed up for the dried up peach class). oh, and i'll still have my discount!!! (well, technically ABN will have my discount because me, without a job, but with a discount, is probably not a good thing).
*note: this is huge for me - when challenged, i always cave...always
look what i made!
aren't you sad you can't be part of MY book club? wait, it gets better...it's red velvet (well, sorta hot pink velvet) with cream cheese frosting. 3 layers.
i know. i really am the coolest red head around :)
reporting another bad dream - no vampires this time, rather rabbinical school and blood. my brain is so strange.
i worked yesterday and it was unbearably slow. today will be the same. i spent much of my day trying to figure out what to get CURLY for her birthday. i'm flying into boston and taking care of some of the festivities (i'll leave it at that) but it's her 30th and clearly i want to mark it with something special. i'm pretty much drawing a blank though. if it's not going to be madonna, live and in person...well then i'm not sure what direction to go. a tree in israel perhaps? (sorry that was purely for CURLY's benefit...i know she reads the blog and that the idea would cause her, and others, to laugh out loud).
i'm obsessed with all things inauguration including how freaking cold it appears to be in DC. i'm lucky to be off tomorrow and plan to spend the day in my pajamas in front of my tv until i leave for book club (this time we're reading either of OBAMA'S BOOKS
it's 8:30 and ABN and i again have dreams of going to TWIN PEAKS (yes, we have had these big plans before) before i need to be at work. enjoy your day off (or day of service!) and think of me and my blisters.
when ABN was little, he dreamed about being a fire truck when he grew up. i like to think that he knew what he was talking about = that he saw that it was imperative for fire fighters to have the right tools - the right support ot help them do their very important job. ABN wasn't so into the idea of being the person to run into a burning building but, if he could provide the means - in a steramlined, effecient manner - he was the man for the job! it's not too far from my understanding of what ABN is doing today. he's not super interested in building the product, but if he can study it and come up with ways for it to work better, to be of greater help to the people using the product, he's all over it. too bad he can't have a sire and flashing lights - i think he would feel completely fulfilled. maybe that's why his bike is all tricked out...red and blinky...so embarassing.
my TALL friend wanted to be the PROFILER. remember the mid 90s show starring ALI WALKER? if you can forget the fact that her husband was brutally murdered by the serial killer that she was constantly tracking - the profiler had a lot going for her. she was totally hot and smart and had this insane photographic memory - and seemed to see things in a blue hue. she was the best FBI agent keeping the streets and her daughter, the only whitness to her husband's murder - safe. and she was sleeping with Julian McMahon - or she should have been, i can't remember if they got that far before the show was cancelled. Eventually my TALL friend took the LSAT and is now practicing real estate law - but part of me believes its only a cover for her real job tracking down america's most wanted.
CURLY wanted to be a rabbi from day one. at least day one of the history of us...which may as well have been day one. she's changing the world - which may not have been her vision all those years ago...but every day she is doing, at least i think, what she set out do with her life. and she's really really amazing at it. it's what she was meant to be...and do.
and then there's me. never with a clear picture. from suicide to selling clothes...always more comfortable with a pen in my hand. but i know, just because i woke up one morning and decided that really, i'm a writer, doesn't make it real. i can't continue to do what i am currently doing just because i'm unsure about what comes next. It's time to move forward, or to maybe take a step back...but i can't just coast.
i'm trying to get out...i just don't know where to go.
i'm here to report another night of bad dreams, this time focusing on a former coworker who hated me to an extreme degree even in real life, and an extreme-er degree (including bodily harm) as i slept. luckily the dream ended with me belting it out live, on stage, with THE NEW KIDS, so all was not lost. still, i'd rather sleep peacefully - i think.
there's the beginning of some excitement in my life - excitement that takes the form of me wearing my finest PINEAPPLE attire AND high heels (not of the comfort variety) and heading downtown. i'll leave it at that for now. hopefully more to come.
and that whole airplane floating on the hudson thing yesterday - i'm not exactly sure how deal with that one. i'm not a great flyer to begin with (you should ask ABN to see his hand after surviving a flight with me squeezing tight) and now i have to worry about birds too?! i will be popping many-a-pill on my upcoming trip to boston.
i know i'm totally late jumping on the TWILIGHT
my mom had arranged for the president of the TEMPLE YOUTH GROUP (TYG) (who later, senior year, when i decided to have some semblance of a typical high school experience, became a friend) to meet me outside of the auditorium before the school-wide assembly. i wore a red and white checkered dress that i had purchased at VENUS on melrose before i departed for the east coast (it doesn't get much more LA than that) and brand spankin' new white jack purcells. coming from my private all-girls school in LA where the only fashion decision was plaid or striped boxer shorts under our uniformed skirts, i had stressed about my attire for the first day for most of the summer. TYG was wearing black pants with an elastic waist band from EXPRESS that would soon become a staple in my wardrobe and a baby tshirt with two pink stripes around the neck (if only my brain could retain information for tests the same way....damn). we sat toward the front of the huge auditorium...i couldn't believe how many people she knew...how many boys there were. we sat next to one of her friends with long bangs she pushed to the side, who seemed a little hippie (i could have sworn her shirt and jeans were vintage) - if i had been ready to make friends, i like to think that SIDE BANGS would have been one of them. she seemed to have a lot going on and while she was friends with some of the prettiest girls in school she also didn't always smile which, to this day, gives her some credit in my book.
my first class was chemistry. we had assigned seats and were told immediately that the person we shared a desk with would be our lab partner for the entire year. in my head, i understood that by going to public school i would now be in classes with boys, but still, sitting next to one was a huge shock to my system. it wasn't for lack of time with the opposite sex - after all i'd just returned from my MOST obscene summer thus far at the camp on top of the hill and had my first "real" boyfriend (who later would come visit and there was this weird incident where we wound up falling asleep in my bed together but that's another post for another time). it seemed that boys in school, at least the boy who i was sitting next to in chemistry, not by choice but by chance, had this stench that i had not experienced before. you see LAB PARTNER was on the football team - and even though we had chemistry first period in the morning, he had this stank that seemed to always be around. by the end of the year i had ascertained that the smell emanated from the baseball cap that he wore on a daily basis and that had multiple lines of salt on it left over from what i assume were large amounts of his perspiration. towards the end of the year he replaced the old hat with new ones marking the colleges that he planned to apply too...when his original hat disappeared so did his smell - for the most part. LAB PARTNER wasn't the coolest boy in the class but he was friends with the coolest boy which made him think he could behave like a huge asshole. i think about it now and i really can't believe how rude he was, to me...to the teacher. that being said, i gave him absolutely no chance. i hated him and everything else around me from moment zero. i'm sure if asked, he would say i was a huge bitch.
this weird thing happens when you switch schools (and coasts) in the middle of high school. while in california we had studied european history and american literature in 10th grade, on the east coast (or at least in westport ct) it was basically the reverse. so from chemistry i went straight to us history - a sophomore class. i sat myself down at the only table with an open space...there was CLARISSA (sorry, i'm dropping a real name) the cheerleader and two girls (who's names i don't remember because i think they were only in class about a week) who were comparing stories about their shared probation officer.
from us history (i could fill a book with stories from that class) i headed to spanish (a FRESHMAN class...i know i should take full blame for not making friends but really, the chances were stacked against me) and then lunch. TYG and i had planned to meet outside the cafeteria. i sat at a table with a bunch of jewish girls who i'm pretty sure (upon reflection) wanted to be my friend. but i didn't give them the time of day. i was determined to be miserable...if it was the last thing i did.
we went from lunch to gym. OH.MY.GOD. its possible that my most recent round of nightmares stem from this one day in gym class. you have to understand that at the big M (private all girls school in LA) gym consisted of self defense, gymnastics, badminton - i got to sign up for what i wanted to do. and after 9th grade, it was optional. cut to 100+ girls AND BOYS in an open field house, running the mile. UM...there was no way in hell. i believe that my exact words to my guidance counselor the next morning were "if you ever expect me to come back to school you will let me out of gym class!" next thing i knew i was enrolled in silk screening.
still shaking from what i had seen in gym and unsure what my future held, i made my way to honors english. how the hell did that happen? sure, i liked to read (not for school but still) and okay i was an okay writer. but at the BIG M my grades were never honors material...no matter what subject. its possible i got a B in my last semester of english because we had a teacher who knew of my "issues" and felt bad for me (she also wrote me college rec...i'll take the help where i can get it) but last time i checked B in a regular class does not equal honors status. maybe the guidance counselor who signed me up knew of the grade inflation i had been dealing with. regardless of how i got there - honors english is what kept me going. SIDE BANGS was there along with my buddy from peer advisers. soon i was friends with 2 boys (future gays ) and a girl who shared my name (unfortunately that didn't end well when i was made editor of the newspaper but you win some you loose some). the teacher, who was well into her 50s had legs that would go on for miles. we read great books, some of which i still consider my favorites.
high school sucks. whether you move across the country, sit next to a vampire, or are simply forced to read THE SCARLET LETTER
i think i've mentioned here before that i often have really vivid dreams. sometimes they are the good kind of vivid - yes, that kind of good...and sometimes they are not. like really really not. like buildings blowing up because of something i did, kind of not. they are hard to wake up from, because i'm always fairly sure that i'm not really sleeping, that the things that are happening in the dreams are really happening and then when i do force myself awake, well, its hard to fall back asleep because i'm scared of what i might find.
recent dreams include: my cousins being real live vampires, watching people wash the windows of a really high building that i'm working in and then watching them fall, driving a car with people in the backseat who start bleeding for no reason and not being able to find a hospital. toasters electicuting people i love. this problem is bad...and it seems to be getting worse.
lately i've been having dreams where i fight with ABN. and its awful. in real life our relationship has never been better, but in my dreams either he's being mean or i'm feeling hurt and i continually wake up thinking its real. it's gotten to the point where i mope in the morning and ABN has to remind me that it was only a dream. even knowing the truth, it still takes me a few hours to get over my feelings of being so hurt and angry. what is wrong with me?
ABN never remembers his dreams. it makes me angry. i feel like he gets to sleep peacefully while i twist and turn and my mind races. every now and then he'll yell, audibly, in the middle of the night (i actually do a great impression), signalling that he's having a nightmare. but being the good partner that i am, i'll rub his back to wake him up and tell him he's only dreaming. before the words are completely out of my mouth he'll roll over and go back to sleep - remembering nothing of the episode in the morning.
then again, he doesn't get to remember those good kind of vivid dreams either - so i guess it evens out in the end.
in other news, the secret life of the american teenager?!?! was it always this christian right-wing show? i mean, i knew it was preachy and i knew it was bad (but still, i had to watch) but now...it's inescapable. i'm not sure i can watch any more. i mean who am i kidding, i can't stop but i just want the world to know - it's awful.
oh and i after saturday's events i started wearing my star of david. it's weird, i haven't worn it since college but i felt like it was the right time. or something. anyway...one of the LITTLE GIRLS in petites noticed my star on monday. her response was priceless - "you're jewish? that's so cute!" wow.
i did something today that i haven't done since i lived in my hippie-filled closet of an apartment in nyc - i had a beer in the shower. way back when it was a great way to relax at the end of the day and have some alone time. cold beer + hot shower, it was my version of champagne in the bathtub. and then today, after my long ass walk all over the city (down to the ferry building, over to pier 39, then back to the fairy building and from the train to home....) i decided that there was nothing in this world that i wanted more than a beer in the shower. it is absolutely gorgeous here...80 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. take that east coast. i think i'm here to stay.
oh....and this is how i spent my sunday. it's okay to be jealous. 
in the last couple of weeks i've noticed that i've started having tummy aches - regularly. for some this might cause concern about some sort of internal digestive something - a trip to the doctor? or at least being more aware of what you eat. but for me? i know the cause of these tummy aches - there's only one thing that causes my muscles to tighten and cramp, that causes my skin to stretch tight across my bloated belly. i'm anxious about something kids...the only question that remains is - what's the source?
for a long while i thought my tummy aches were just my natural way. at some point in college i started chomping on tums more than the average red head girl and on one trip home my mom insisted that i see a doctor. after having a series of unpleasant tests (yep, that one, that one and THAT one..ugh) and removing all dairy INCLUDING CHEESE (oh, it was so hard!) from my diet and still seeing no real change - i quit going to doctors, reintroduced gouda and popped antacids.
years passed, i became the girl who always had a tummy ache - and then i started therapy. sitting in a chair that creaked more than i was comfortable with, in the corner of them room that had the space heater (i spent a lot of my time in therapy wondering if my therapist was cold), we talked about my downfall (didn't that sound dramatic) and the effect all of my hard work to keep my life looking like it was in one piece, had on me. did someone say, tummy ache?
and over time they became few and far between. i learned to take deep breaths. to talk about my worries, to share my concerns with my people, to exercise and sleep. it took a while but with the appearance of ABN playing a major role in my life...my tummy aches all but disappeared.
there have been flare ups before - taking classes in NYC, carrying the weight of a school full of suicidal teens and teachers (what? that's normal, no?), spending more money than i have...but i've been really good about recognizing the warning signs - pulling ABN's sleeve and mouthing...help.
this time is really no different. my tummy aches are coming from a known source - and ABN and i have been talking about it mostly constantly for the last few days. the questions i'm asking are good. and once i figure out my stuff and take at least a step in one direction or another, moving my life forward no matter what, i'm sure my tummy will settle. i'm just sort of wondering...when?
i'm home after less than 15 minutes in PINEAPPLE NATION. once again, walking to work was anything but average.
after listening to the latest RACHEL MADDOW podcast, and catching up with JEWISH BARBIE, i realized that there were large crowds of protesters gathering on the corners along market street. as the masses grew i began to notice the signs that so many were carrying - gaza = warsaw ghetto. zionism = hate. chanting - hey hey ho ho, israel has got to go. by the time i got to work, pushing through the crowds i was a full blown mess - hands shaking, sweat collecting in the curve of my back, i felt sick. i had to get out of there. luckily, as i have come to expect, the store was dead quiet and the manager on duty was glad to let me, a colorless ghost of my usually beaming self, head out.
it's sunny here, not a cloud in the sky and i felt like being outside and catching my breath was the best thing i could do - so i started walking the way i had come. i had heard, from the girls who started working at the same time as me, that there was a protest rally planned for union square, hence the large crowds. so i walked in the opposite direction, back to market street, and up, in the direction of home. but the rally was moving - the protesters were marching...from the civic center - where i had first encountered them, directly in my direction - and i was about to walk right through the center of it all.
------
i crave peace. for myself. for my future children. and for the strangers i don't know who live on the other side of the world. and at the same time - i believe deeply in my homeland. i understand the undying need for a jewish state - for a place where the jewish people can always go and find safety.
stepping off the airplane and walking across the tarmac, i felt a force that literally threw me to the ground, warm through my hands and knees. a sense of belonging that i did not know i had been searching for and that i continue to long for; to feel again and again. walking through the shuck in jerusalem - understanding only every 6 words at best, getting lost in the pushcarts and the and vegetable stands. walking in circles trying to find the right bus. feeling found for the first time...ever. feeling a safety that has nothing to do with barricades or sirens - a safety that has to do with belonging.
-----
i live a world away from this reality but today - i felt close again. i worry about her future and mine. as i walked down the street, against the banners and tshirts and chanting, i wondered if the prostestors knew my truth.
and if they feel the same way about me that i do about them.
their words scared me.
their slogans hurt me.
and i walked quickly up the hill.
-----
i'm sitting on my back deck now. it's sunny but cold - in a soothing way. i'm listening to folk music and writing. but i'm distracted by the men hanging out on the deck in the house behind mine. they are drunk. and rowdy. and leave me feeling uneasy and like i'm 11 again. they remind me of my walk home. and i wonder if they know they are disturbing my peace.
is it bad that when i look at tom cruise i can't help but uncontrollably gag? he just bugs me to no end. and there was a time in my life, i think, when he made me squeal. it's not just me...right? he's like a greasy old man. with pants that are too short. ick. joey could have done so much better.
last night's class for married people was actually pretty great - i'm a huge fan of having low expectations. i mean sure i was dreading it for most of the day yesterday, but i was so sure it was going to be awful that i left feeling way more than satisfied. does that sound bad? i really didn't mean for it too.
which leads me to my next point. one of the exercises that we discussed, as a couple, was talking about other couples that we know. couples that we hope our relationship is similar too and those couples that we hope our relationship has nothing in common with...enough said. we talked specifically about one couple who we are friends with from boston. we aren't super close with either member of the couple but they are part of our group of friends and we saw them on the this last trip. there is something about this couple that is so special - like they are both better individuals when they are together. they seem happiest alone, together. and that's what we want our marriage to be.
the last few months, since leaving our community in boston and starting over in SF, i feel like ABN and i have become a better couple. i never would have thought that we needed to be better than we were before - but the change that has come from the two of us spending so much time alone, together...has been a good one. i'm looking forward to the class because we'll meet jewish couples and hopefully make friends. but i'm feeling like ABN and i are going to get a lot out of it for ourselves too. we even have homework!
and because i know you were worried....we have hot water again - unfortunately, not before we went to class.
i'm sitting in the noisy library. i don't know why i keep coming back here - it simply can't be conducive to writing anything of substance. but at least my tv isn't here. are libraries like this now? babies screaming. books being slammed on to tables. elevators pinging. librarians shouting at one another across the room (okay maybe that last one was a bit of an exaggeration but they are definitely talking to each other at full volume). maybe it's a california thing. i don't get it.
yesterday i had big intentions of filling my day by filling page after page but then i got distracted by the idea of enrolling in a real writing class and so i wrote absolutely nothing. loser. i did find two possible writing classes and spent hours exchanging emails with the women who run the programs. here's what i'm juggling:
1. the writer's barber shop
meets in the mission - convenient - on nights and weekends - not my first choice...i'd love a day time class, i mean at what other point in my life am i going to have the luxury of taking a day time class?! has a great combination class (5 weeks intro to fiction, 5 weeks starting your novel) that begins in two weeks - perfect, less time for me to freak out and drop out - the class i want to take is currently full with a waiting list already. they do offer the same class in berkeley and there is room - but it's on the weekend and well, that's no good. there is a memoir class, which i know is the style i really write. i had this idea in my head that i shouldn't be writing memoir because, well, i'm 27 and a 27 year old shouldn't write a memoir. but i've never really written fiction before - i always feel like i'm lying. then i started reading THIS blog and realized that she's young and writes memoir...focused on small bits of life...not necessarily "this is what i have learned in my lifetime and want to share it with you before i die" a la barbara walters or at least i think what barbara walters wrote but i don't know for sure since i didn't read the book but did just return it to the library. anyway, i sort of think i could write the other type of memoir. and well..maybe i should take a class. but the memoir class is on sunday afternoons and doesn't start until the end of february - way too much time for potential freak out and run and also sunday mornings - not a time i am looking for an additional activity.
2. bruised bananas
classes are held in noe valley - couldn't be better! and there is a memoir class that meets on friday mornings - perfect! but the classes begin the week i'm in boston for CURLY'S birthday and i hate to miss the very first session. it's also clear, as the name suggests, this place is going to be fairly touchy feely - classes are held "in the greenhouse of imagination" (and yes, i too just threw up in my mouth). but it's a great time, great location and it's a writing class so maybe i should just suck it up and deal with the cheese (or the fruit or whatever, the website is one pun after another). okay, i had also convinced myself that the founder was an erotica writer which i now can find no evidence of so it must have been one of the other programs i was looking at - clearly a point in that schools favor.
i'm torn...thoughts?
in other news...ABN and i are going to a class for engaged and newly married couples at the temple tonight. we're going to be the old married couple which is sort of lame - ABN suggested that we lie and say we were recently engaged. i hated the idea until i realized we could say we were planning an outrageous destination wedding. ABN said no. so i guess we'll stick to the truth. unfortunately i we woke up to no hot water so most likely we will be the smelly couple sitting alone in the corner. we'll never make friends.
my skin is so dry it feels like it is going to break off from my body. it's from the heat and the airplane rides and probably the change in weather too. my lips, my neck, my chest, my hands. i'm itchy and red and splotchy. that sounds like a children's song but it's also true.
yesterday the new shipment of clothes came in at PINEAPPLE NATION and it was a wonderful day. the store looks so clean and bright and well organized. i'm digging the new colors and the silhouettes (very club monaco). the next time there is a slow day i'll need to do a fit session (don't i sound like i know what i'm doing) so that i can help to advise my clientele (and you know, figure out what i want to buy). i'm trying to have a month of no shopping and i've finally learned that if you wait, it will go on sale. like major sale. like monogram lined pants for $27.99 before my discount kind of sale. so really i should wait. but it's so hard.
today is a writing kind of day...more than the blog so i'm going to cut myself off and be productive. and then dinner with BEX. a good day across the board.
i know the secret ingredient to my grandmother’s world famous chocolate cake
birthdays, thanksgivings, backyard bbqs...they all have one thing in common - grandma's chocolate cake. the perfect balance of light sponge and rich mocha frosting. cut with a sterling silver knife dipped in a glass of lukewarm water to ensure a clean slice. my grandma proudly passing out the pieces of her masterpiece to the people that she loves most. baked brie, chopped liver, fried chicken and brisket. cookies - oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip, squirt and butter with granulated sugar sprinkled on top cut into hearts and squares and butterflies. bite-size cheesecake. her house always warm from the hot oven, the freezer always full of a her latest tasty treat.
she wears gold rings on most of her fingers, dotted with the diamonds my papa has lovingly given to her. 5 children, 7 grandchildren, her first great-grandchild. long necklaces marking milestones - first 50 years of marriage, now 60. a successful surgery. a "grand-daughter original." a charm bracelet, each charm with the face of a son, daughter-in-law, grandchild, that jingle and jangle as she walks slowly around her cul de sac.
she has a huge smile that can quickly appear, causing her cheeks to turn bright pink and push up her glasses.
i follow her examples - every surface of my house covered in picture frames, every occasion turned into a chance to entertain. my kitchenaid
in trying to be thrifty and at the same time feed my manic reading habits i got my own library card and started requesting books. it seems that checking out books has changed from the days of my youth where you used to be able to go into a library and browse the shelves comparing titles and subjects before settling on your selection of choice. the library around the corner from my house is quite small and has a very limited selection to choose from...as in not much more than a children's corner and some dusty how-to books. instead the way to check out books is by logging on to the san francisco library website (no library smell...damn) and typing in a title/author/subject. you can add titles constantly. i think of it a lot like netflix except for one small problem...its not at all like netflix.
instead of a queue where one book comes in at a time, the giant conglomerate of san francisco's libraries will send each and every book that i have requested to my local library as they become available. which means that i constantly am getting notices that i have books waiting which turns into me getting incredibly overwhelmed with the stack of books i currently have next to my bed, ready to be read, all by a determined due date. because of this i have been known to return a book or two (or seventeen) to the library without even cracking open the spine (sorry barbara walters - Audition
i mean, it's clearly a trade-off. i'm saving money and a lot of the books that i read (or plan to read) are simply for fun and have no deeper meaning (barbara) so i don't feel the need to add them to my permanent library. on the other hand, the ever growing pile next to my bed stresses me out and i tend to forget what i've read without the books collecting dust on my shelf to remind me. i have been known to go out and purchase a book, after i have read a copy from the library when it holds a particular place in my heart (Interpreter of Maladies 
how much better would my life be if the next book would come only after i have returned the one that i have finished reading? like netflix...it just doesn't feel like too much to ask. in the meantime, i will continue to request books, get overwhelmed, and hide my head as i walk into the library to pick up more than i can carry.
now that i am home (as in perched pleasantly on my brick red ultra suede couch) i hope to get back to blogging more regularly and about things other than my day to day activities (reminder to self...there is a post about ex-friends - the concept...in the works). the east coast tour was wonderful - so much time spent with good friends and so much good food i basically had to be rolled onto the airplane. but at the end of the day, nothing compares to sleeping in my own bed and drinking coffee in the morning from my own coffee maker. i was worried about what it would feel like to come back to our life here, and while it's only been a little more than 12 hours, so far - so good (i mean, the 55 degree weather AND not a cloud in the sky definitely helped and may have led to a rare sighting - me going for a "run" or more accurately...a trot).
i have returned with not necessarily a clearer picture of my future but i think a more fulfilling way to live my day to day life. i'm not so great with the whole "living in the moment" thing and by not so great i mean really really horrible at it (another post for another time), and while i don't think it will ever be my way, or that it's even the right or responsible way to live, i think it's healthy for there to be a balance in one's life. so i'm going to work on that too.
ABN and i are trying to run (and by run i mean drive) up to twin peaks before i have to head out to work so i should go. must be there and back and dressed for work in under an hour and a half...wish me luck!
i don't think i've ever been a huge new year's eve party-hard person. growing up the night looked like staying up late with family friends, drinking root beer through licorice straws and watching the end of the MTV top 100 music videos of the year. sure along the way i attended and hosted many a new year's house party - always a good time but also a ton of work and come midnight, as i was ready to crawl into bed and call it a night, it seemed the guests were just getting started.
fast forward to last year - ABN and i decided with CURLY and our new friend NICOLE RICHIE, to skip the drama and institute a new tradition. there would be good food, good wine, good games and exactly four of us. it was such a success that on new year's day i sent out an email letting them know that i planned to spend each new year's eve for the rest of my life doing the exact same thing - and if CURLY or NICOLE RICHIE found themselves in new relationships, we had to come to a joint understanding over whether this new person could participate in our celebration.
so fast forward to this year, ABN and i make the trip to boston, just in time to ring in the new year. in addition to our original crew we included BESTIE and HIGHLIGHTS. again we played games (the new highlight being CELEBRITY - surprisingly ABN was a super star! i felt so proud) and ate an enormous amount of baked brie. while by 9pm i wasn't sure we would make it til midnight, we rallied (except for ABN who was hit with a nasty migraine...and is still recovering 18 hours later).
while i never could have imagined that 2008 would send me on this wild journey, and i have no idea what 2009 has in store, i'm pretty sure i know who i'll be with next new year's eve.
Posts
All Comments
