I Want to Run in High Heels!

i know that throughout cyberspace people will be blogging about the SATC movie, and i'm sure all the gushing is going to get old fast.  so i'll just stick to the basics.  FABULOUS!  i mean, did it change the way i plan to live my life? probably not.  was it a shocking commentary on the state of our world? not so much.  but really...if it had been either of those things...i would have questioned whether i was in the right theater.  it was simply EVERYTHING that a SATC fan could ask for...topped with the perfect amount of bows, sequins and fringe!  i left the theater with one thing in mind...i have a new goal (in this time of complete life turmoil).  i'm going to put $10 a week into an envelope (really, i am) and in the end i am going to buy...THESE (although once i started looking there were at 20 other pairs...so i think i might have to add THESE to the list too).

in a couple of hours WE are taking ABN shopping.  i say WE because it's a joint, all men on deck effort.  BESTIE is coming along to lend a supportive and fashion forward hand (he owns multiple pink shirts yet also understands ABN's "alternative" style).  J is also coming, which makes me happy because if ABN gets testy i think he'll lighten the mood.  i'm packing a bag of water and chocolate in hopes of keeping ABN hydrated and happy.  we'll end the day with dinner and a movie so even if the smile fades in the middle of it all i hope that we all end as happy shoppers :).

  

I'm a Hive

a big hive. literally and figuratively. i'm hoping the cosmos i plan to drink tonight help...at least the figurative part.

it's all good...right?

stay tuned...

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

life has been so crazy the last few days i have been delinquent in updating you all on the truly important stuff - flat iron 2008. good news, the 1" Sedu arrived and i am thrilled. last night i showered and then let my hair air dry (while watching a marathon of Jon & Kate Plus 8- side note: that show is fabulous birth control...really) and then, right before bed, straightened. woke up this morning and my hair was in almost perfect condition - i know that some people make a habit of straightening the night before but for me, this has never worked (anyone who has ever woken up with me knows i suffer from MAJOR bedhead). anyway, i was very pleased when i woke up this morning at 6:05 (i had an obscenely early meeting) that no touch-up was needed...nice.

because i was at work so early, and my meeting was OVER by 8, i have gotten more done today than i typically do in a week (i try to spread stuff out in order to stay somewhat sane) including catching almost a full episode of the VIEW while at the gym. i find myself in a bit of a loss of what to do for the next two hours (damn straight i'm leaving early, i was here at 7 this morning!). i already ate my lunch (i usually try to hold off until 2ish to have something to look forward too) - a plain chicken breast (that i maybe over-peppered last night and broccoli. we had left overs from last night (which is rare in our house) so while lunch usually comes in a box with freezer burn, today was a pleasant exception.

tonight ABN is off at some sort of nerdy meeting and i'm home to do laundry (massive.amounts.of.laundry). tomorrow night i'm off to see SATC (i still can't believe it's really happening! if i'm like this for this movie, imagine what i'll be like when 90210 returns!)...tickets already purchased...now if i could only figure out what to wear...

and just a little treat for your thursday...the moment i knew that gossip girl was going to be AMAZING:

Why my BFF is Cooler than your BFF (regardless of who your BFFAE is)

• last night she was a MAJOR force in bringing 1700 members of GBIO into one room to celebrate and organize around it's 10th anniversary


• there was a thunderstorm and major winds and even a fire, but that didn't stop the people, and it didn't stop her


• she may be little, but when she stands on a step and spreads her arms wide, she is quite big...and powerful


• she has worked tirelessly on the issues of health care, debt to assets and aging with dignity


• youth and safety is her focus (and people wonder why we are friends...)


• the smile on her dad's face, who came up from NY to be part of the event, will last for months if not years


• she gets people talking about the issues (and about how cute she is!)


• people from our past turned up, not only because they were supporting her but because the event was SOOO big, they were part of it too (and in many cases i wondered what they must be thinking of where my CURLY friend is today)


• her entire clergy team showed up because they believe in her work as well


• she was significantly younger than any of the other leaders on the stage


• she has her own style of making herself be heard - she doesn't try to be someone she's not - she learns from the other leaders and then finds her own voice


• the mayor and the speaker of the house and the governor all came out and spoke out...but her words stole the show


• she doesn't get mad when i stand up (in a crowd of 1700) and wave widely while yielding my camera


• young and old, the people that she organized were proud to have her on stage as a representative (well, except maybe for the woman who sat in front of me who screamed at me to shut up when i clapped but whatever...she was CLEARLY at the wrong event)


• she looked so cute in her suit


• she spoke first, letting the crowd know we would be starting 10 minutes late


• she was interviewed by the boston globe


• she's the most supportive, loving, energetic, empowering and trustworthy friend a girl can have

and all of this was just from last night...imagine if i told you the complete story! we're her number 1 fans (ABN and i are resigned to share the title).

prepare to be inspired....

Long Weekends make for Happy Red Heads

so sunday morning ABN and i joined BESTIE and his friend for brunch on Newbury Street. the city seemed to be empty over the long weekend and we were able to be seated outside under the sun after only waiting long enough to run across the street to SABON and have our hands scrubbed. BESTIE'S friend, who works for virgin air, was telling stories of recent star sightings (my favorite kind of stories). when he mentioned that prince william had been on a recent flight, back from south africa, i announced that i knew from my extensive gossip research, he had been attending a wedding. BESTIE'S friend was disappointed that the prince's gf wasn't on board, but i knowingly informed him that she had attended a different wedding in the uk...thank god someone knew all this information! the three boys that i was dining with looked at me, and my knowledge in confused disbelief but really...its all in a days work!

because of the deadness of the city (and my sad mood on sunday night) ABN had the idea to try getting into one of our favorite restaurants...one that doesn't take reservations and usually has an hour plus wait...low and behold i married a genius. we marched right into DALI and had a wonderful tapas and sangria filled meal - what a surprisingly perfect sunday night. for the duration of dinner i mostly forgot about how sad i was to be missing the hora. but also made sure to make a sangria toast to the S and J. we never REALLY miss a celebration.

monday we made our way to the esplanade...a strip of boston land that has always been referred to as a gorgeous place to visit but who's location has alluded me until i spent 7 hours there on saturday recruiting at earthfest. we packed our picnic basket (we are picnic people). it was the first time that i can remember that we were both perfectly happy sitting outside - not too much sun, not too much shade, books, music, food, water - perfection. we day dreamed together about the next couple of years and big decisions that we will be making in the next couple of weeks. we talked to our parents. we made lists. i broke out in hives. other than the fact that i possibly (probably) stepped in raw sewage on the way home...whatever, i'll take what i can get.

this was all followed by BESTIE'S for dinner and to catch up on TAL - the tv show. ira glass helped to make for an easier transition back to work - i was prepped to sleep like a baby :)

tonight we're off to support our CURLY FRIEND as she continues to change the world...be ready to be inspired.

Ay Macarena!

one of the people that i was closest to, during college (the second part), is getting married today.  i feel very sad not to be there.  in the end, i know it was my choice not to make the trip - life is crazy right now (which is sometimes crazy is a scary word for me to use), even crazier today then it was when i decided it was too crazy to make the trip...and we seem to be running pretty quickly.  as much i wanted to be dancing at her wedding, it just didn't seem realistic.  still...tonight i feel sad not to be there...celebrating my friend. 

and ABN is wearing a black belt with brown shoes.

l'chaim...

My Fingernails are Shaped like Nani's

manis and pedis - how i love thee!.  when i'm having a shitty week, or feeling fat, or getting dressed up to go somewhere special, or travelling, or wanting to spice up an outfit, or wanting to unwind - staring at a wall of hundreds of mini bottles in shades of pink and red makes me deliriously happy.  i feel like when i think about picking the right color it does more than just reflect the mood i am in, but has a lot to do with how the week ahead is going to go.

growing up in la my mom and i would go to pink nails on palms blvd, next to vons supermarket.  sometimes my grandma would meet us too, because growing up, she lived only a few blocks away (i was very lucky...lots of grandma's chocolate cake).  i can't remember the first time i got a pedi but i do remember that we always ended up with the same baby pink color - barely enough to notice that there was anything on the nails.   we'd sit in office chairs and put our feet in a bucket to soak.  thinking back now, that seems totally gross, but at the time, its what we knew.

then we moved to westport and started going to town nails on the post road.  we still stuck with the baby pink colors, but instead of dunking our feet in a grocery-bag-lined bucket, we sat perched on huge massage chairs with tubs attached - LUX-UR-Y!  when friends and family (grandma specifically) came to visit from the west coast, town nails was a stop on tour - "you're not going to believe these chairs!"

eventually i expanded my boundaries past baby pink.  while i was living in nyc after college i would sometimes go after work on a friday before shabbat - it became a way to mark the passage of time (and because i was often spending shabbat with a bunch of dirty hippies it became a final moment of cleanliness...i sure did love my dirty hippies). 

one of my favorite memories from wedding weekend was our trip to the nail salon on the saturday morning before the rehearsal dinner.  only the best of the best were in town, my CURLY friend, and my TALL friend from la, DBN and the BOBSIE TWIN cousins and of course the KING.  it was the perfect atmosphere, surrounded by the perfect people, with the perfect amount of gab...and of course, for wedding weekend i found myself turning back to the baby pink.  

i have found the most amazing nail place - walking distance from my apartment, on the drive home, GOLDEN FINGER is a little piece of heaven right here in boston.  i have become a regular, i know LILY and LILY knows me.  it's the only manicure i've ever had where i can go back a week later with barely a chip.  a great color selection and only the best products.  for a while i was going with BESTIE'S other half...but now that that is over, well, my time in GOLDEN FINGER isn't aaaaaaaaaaas relaxing (i find myself looking over my shoulder every time the door chimes...).  still, you can tell how much i love LILY because even in my discomfort, i refuse to give her up.  

today - essie bordeaux...on my fingers and toes!

Abracadabra It's Magic!

ABN is officially off and running (or flying) and i have officially been left behind to think/dream/over analyze/hyperventilate and wait for his phone call. i'm sure it will be great - good people (hopefully professionally and personally), beautiful city, yummy sourdough bread and maybe even a coffee bean...sounds pretty good to me. still, the not knowing is so hard, even at this early stage, its difficult to imagine what will happen when he's actually trying to figure out all this job stuff for reals.

last night, after work, i did my volunteer thing (once a month, hang out with a 27 year old guy with disabilities at a pre-planned event - pretty easy)...yes i do more than watch tv. we headed to brookline for a magic show. it was our second magic show in 4 months (remember, we only meet once a month so...yeah, its a lot of magic) and while the first magician was heavy on the animals (there was a full size pig WITH painted pink toenails at the chanukah party at the jcc) this magician was heavy on the old school "tricks." this morning, on the way to the airport at 5:45am, i was telling ABN that i felt like it wasn't REALLY magic. when he couldn't stop laughing at me (seriously, hysterically, and he wasn't even fully awake yet to hear what i was saying, imagine what he would have thought if he had been coherent) i stopped to think about what i had said. deep down, on the inside, do i believe that magic really exists?

woa, that's way to existential for this here blog.

but i do think of magic as something that tricks or fools or captivates me. that leaves me scratching my head wondering...how'd they do that? last night, not so much. i don't judge the "magician" (although those quotation marks may lead you to think otherwise), i just felt a little too clever for her breed of wizardry.

with ABN out and about (i hear he might even be forced to watch so you think you can dance which is news that i find fabulous) i'm left to my own devices. i see a lot of jon and kate plus 8 in my future. i'm working all day saturday (its outside, there's live music, it's supposed to be like 75, other than having to be at the half shell before 8 it seems like it should be pretty great) so the powers that be are (literally) forcing me to take tomorrow off. it's not that i don't want the day (obvi i do), its just that it means i have to be totally ready for the event before the end of today...and since i was here for a meeting at 7:30 this morning, i'm running a little slower than the norm. still, a day of errands and appointments will do me some good, especially since my saturday has been eaten alive.

alright, back to the packing (whenever i am heading out to recruitment event, people ask me if i'm going on vacation because of all the luggage i take with me...funny). i wonder what i'm making for dinner...

Donna Martin Graduates...AGAIN!

something strange and unexpected is happening. at 5:32 i turned on soapnet to catch the second half of an episode of 90210. it's currently 5:34 and i haven't been able to identify the exact episode yet. i mean...we're in the collin era which puts us in season 6 (right?) and claire and steve are dating. and brandon is with susan...at susan's parents house. they just got in trouble for being caught in bed together. it's slowly coming back to me...sort of. does anything really happen in this episode? i haven't seen donna or kelly yet...maybe that will help with story line. i'll keep you posted.

i've had a pretty fucked up day...which is now only highlighted by my inability to quickly recall 90210 story lines from 10+ years ago on a moments notice (it's one of my truest talents). i went in for my mri this morning. initially ABN was going to come with me, but last night his week officially got interesting and i decided it was best for him to have the entire day to take care of things on his list. so i drove myself and apart from needing to pee a number of times due to pre-mri coffee consumption, i was fine. i take off my jewels (all three rings) and lie down with my noise cancelling headset (um...not so much) ready to listen to a little Tom Ashbrook. the machine starts up and i start to feel a little tingly. the next thing i know the attendant man is standing next to me helping me sit up and telling me to put my head between my legs. i'm a huge sweat ball, my limbs are shaking and i can't see much other than stars and other space-age images. i'm dizzy and i feel like i might puke. but the attendant assures me that if i'm going to faint this is the best place to do it (i'm in hospital after all) and we go back to the mri.

this isn't the first time this has happened. once i was on the T (it was SUPER embarrassing and involved an ambulance and being asked if there was ANY chance i could be pregnant one too many times for my own sanity) and once it happened on an airplane to LA (today my theory of being triggered by transporting from one place to another having something to do with it was totally blown).

OH! let me interject with a 90210-update...kelly is in rehab with her roommate tara....and donna is dating joe whose brother is in town and they are arguing over joe's upcoming experimental heart surgery and kelly's doc thinks she's pretty cute and tara starts to become the sketchiest sketch EVER......oh i feel so much better already. these are the really important things after all.

needless to say i came home after the mri...i've spent the afternoon watching tv and trying to figure out if this is something i should be more worried about. i did make an appointment with my primary care doctor...it's been awhile and now that it's happened three times i feel like i have real info to tell her. for now...i'll just let dr. house take care of me (the season finale made me cry...robert sean leonard has always had that power over me).

ABN just went out to cvs and brought me a diet coke...what a good husband. he also said he'd make turkey sandwiches for dinner tonight...i'll keep him. and for those who are interested, i'm still without my new flat iron which i assume is lost somewhere in cyberspace...mragh.

oops...and for those of you keeping score...collin is now in a high speed chase with the LAPD. i can't wait for the new class :)

Dr. Dr. Give me the News, I've Got a Bad Case of Loving You!

the graduation weekend is over.  we all survived and smiled throughout.  i'm as exhausted today as i was after wedding weekend which must mean that fun was had by all.  ABN is now completely and officially and 100% done and that is a very good and exciting thing.  he spoke absolutely beautifully and brilliantly and i even got a shoutout - i felt so special!  highlights from the weekend included a special friday night dinner at blue ginger (ming tsai is now  a personal friend), a kick-ass surprise for ABN on saturday night complete with whipped cream, friends from near and far, cup cakes from westport and grandma's chocolate cake by way of my kitchen, an incredible homemade meal by DBN including the best green soup i've ever tasted, pasta from scratch and garlic chicken (OH GARLIC CHICKEN!!!), ABN walking around post-commencement wearing his big bird name tag from his first day of pre-school, a stop for proseco and salami and mustard with my two favorite women in newton and a final dinner in AHHHHHHHHHHHlington that included MY CURLY FRIEND and BESTIE.  and there were no tears.  

i'm so tired that each of my joints hurt...even my fingers as i type.  it takes a lot of energy to be such a supportive wife.

i'm catching up on all the things i've missed over the last few days - looking at various graduation/ordination pictures on facebook, checking in with grandma, checking and re-checking people.com for ashlee's wedding photos and trying to make some headway through my jam-packed dvr.  

i've recently started watching jon and kate plus 8...i'm oddly fascinated and at the same time terrified by this family.  for the most part i've found the kids amusing, especially the little boy with glasses but can't stand the parents, although i do feel bad for judging....after all they have 8 children!  i have to fast-forward through the credits at the beginning of each episode because they show pictures of kate when she has six tiny babies in her and its just so big it makes me nervous/anxious/nauseous.  ich.  sorry.

i just watched house.  i love house.  it was the episode before the season finale which is now on in half an hour.  i'm too excited about this.  and gossip girl too.  but what will i do now that all of my shows are going into reruns?  i already feel a bit empty, knowing that the office is gone until the fall.  i will have to think of other ways to spend my time...maybe a walk would do me some good.

as a side note, i've gotten word that THE KING doesn't like his name.  i'm going to take this as growth on his part (since i called him THE KING all through college and he didn't seem to mind it then).  i haven't settled on a new name yet so....i'm taking suggestions.  my dad says i used to call him something else but i can't remember what it was (i did briefly call him THE BROTHER when he was in a frat, but that doesn't really fit anymore and my dad insists there was another name too).  

alright, its time to get ABN a slice of grandma's chocolate cake....he's getting ready to travel later in the week...i'm sure there will be more on this later...

Sometimes Revisting Things SUCKS

if you were to talk to anyone who has seen me or talked to me in the last few days, they would probably all report the same thing - she seems a little on edge. it's true. there is no denying it. my breaths aren't deep, my fingers have a constant tingle, my heart is beating at a rapid pace...i'm feeling unsettled. sure there are lots of people descending on my life, sure ABN hasn't finished his speech, sure i have a long list of things i haven't quite done - but really those are just excuses for the anxiety that i'm experiencing. my dry lips are sticking to my teeth to form a forced smile. i know these feelings that i'm having all to well.

5 years doesn't really seem that long ago and at the same time...its a life time. i look different, i sound different, i play different and i work different. i love different - myself and other people. but the person that i was 5 years ago is still in there; i'm the person i am today because of the mistakes i made before. and that's a difficult reality to balance.

i have the same recurring dream - i'm not going to class. the strange part is that i'm living my current life. like i'm working, here. and i'm living, with ABN. and i'm running errands and making car payments and being responsible me. but i'm also not going to mr. walsh's math class. and i'm not turning in homework. and all of a sudden it's time for the final exam.

i'm worried about this weekend. i'm worried about holding up. i'm worried about what or who is going to set me off...because i do know my healing self and at some point...i'll probably break (but just a little). i'm nervous about who knows and doesn't. i'm nervous that i'll break at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. i'm worried that i'll take away from ABN and all he has accomplished. i'm worried i'll be the miserable daughter-in-law. yeah.

when i get in this anxious way, the guilt creeps back too...probably more than anything else that is what i have wanted to...tried to...hoped to leave behind. its debilitating. and having my parents around this weekend, sitting in those seats, imagining their feelings, hearing (at least my dad's) words (because lets be honest...he'll say something)...makes my cheeks hot and my body ache.

so yeah, by the time i write again i'll be on the other side of all of this. probably assuming that NOW its really over, although deep down i know it never is. there will always be other people's graduations.

You Can Tell a Lot by the Shoes on her Feet

i come from a family of list makers. my mom always has at least three various lists floating around - one in the car for errands, one next to the phone in the kitchen and one on her desk for work. and then of course there is NANI, the queen of lists. in addition to her purse, when she leaves the house she also always has a small, neiman marcus bag, filled with the following essentials: a paper towel, a piece of paper on which she has written OUT OF ORDER - attached to a rubber band, a bottle of water on which she has written her name with a red sharpie marker, tin foil, a list of errands she needs to run (milk, oj, presto chopped salad), a list of things she would like to do (exchange lipstick at the Chanel counter, stop by dr rubins office to drop off treat for the nursing staff, stop by kennel [note: dog is at home, not at kennel] to drop off cookies for the staff), and the list of things that she has been carrying around since i was old enough to sit in the front seat of her beige jaguar (pick out new eyeglasses, pick out new sunglasses, have mother's jewelry appraised).

i attempt to make lists - they help to keep others in my family so organized - how can they not be helpful to me? i just made two: things i need to do before everyone arrives for ABN's Graduation Weekend, and a list of things i need to get done at work over the next three days. but i don't find lists all that helpful - really, i find that they stress me out.

yes, i do love to cross things off a list. but so often i find that i just get overwhelmed and stare at the list, and accomplish nothing and therefore get to cross nothing off the list. the things for graduation weekend will get done (i always get things done) but until i do them (Friday afternoon) i will just stare at the list; stare and sweat. and the things for work - yeah, i'll take care of each of them and more. but there's nothing on the list that i'm excited about. i mean i guess if i was excited about something, i probably would have already done it and then it wouldn't be on the list anyway - but staring at a long list of things that aren't exciting..is a bit of a downer. (also, at the bottom of my list for work is one word - david - no idea why).

*****************************************************

in ten minutes the office will be gathering for a goodbye tea party for one of my coworkers. my tummy could use some tea. although i'm having an mri next week for my knee (no change) i have decided that while heels are not helping my sore bones, i don't think they are actively making anything worse either so i'm strutting my stuff in slouchy boots and that (and the ridiculous amount of bangles i am wearing) make life more fun.

I Heart Mix Tapes

as ABN and i were driving this weekend, after we had caught up on our This American Life podcasts, i dug through the glove compartment of my car and found treasure: old mix tapes. at one time, i was the queen of the mix tape...my father once reasoned that a dream job for his only daughter would be one in which i was responsible for making mix tapes and posters. i have made many a mix tape in my day, marking important times in my life (and the lives of others); for important people in my life (and in some cases, for people i wanted to be important in my life...). the mix tapes that i found were a mix (hehehe) of tapes (hehehe) i had made and tapes that had been made for me...as i forced ABN on a journey through my adolescent years, i couldn't help but think about where i had been when these tapes literally rocked my world.

needless to say a number of the tapes (and there were a NUMBER of tapes) were from my camp days. the jackpot of the day was the tape that was made late one night in the summer of '96. it was mostly recorded live from beer sheva (reference? anyone out there?) although songs of great importance were added in after the summer was over and the tape was copied and distributed. the tape has a faded label: FIESTA. i think it had something to do with something we found HILARIOUS at the time, but now, for the life of my i can't remember what. most of the tape is difficult to decipher and the inside jokes are lost on me, but there is a live version of the song we wrote that summer (which i believe is also in a time capsul that is to be opened one day...oh god)...we sure did find ourselves mighty clever (and dare i say, talented?).

we listened to tapes made by people that once played big roles in my life, that now don't. as i sang every word to songs i hadn't heard in over a decade, i found myself reminiscing (mostly in my own head) about the songs and the friendships...hallelujah, queen and the solider, ahava, corey's coming, the dancing nun song (don't ask) - these songs shaped who i am.

there was one summer at camp (this story is very revealing about my camp experience in general) when after the first session, the israeli dance teacher quit...and took all her music with her (i think it was that dramatic...at least that's how i remember it). we had spent the entire first session learning all of these great new dances but for the second session, the last four weeks of the summer, we had no music. two of us, not israeli, not dancers, were left in charge of israeli dancing and left to fend for ourselves on the music front. instead of giving up on the new dances and being stuck with only the basics that we had music for from the summer before, we spent the last weeks of camp israeli dancing to gettin' jiggy with it, happy boys and happy girls, and shoop. unofficially that summer, each israeli dance session on shabbat ended with a chorus of livin' la vida loca (in the shower) but that's really neither here nor there.

eventually ABN had enough of listening to the same Sarah McLachlan song that happened to appear on each mix tape (weird) and we went back to listening to Car Talk. it makes me sad to think that mix tapes are a thing of the past. when i think about 10 years from now, and reflecting back on my life and wondering what i was up to and how i was feeling and who i was feeling it with (that wasn't supposed to be dirty)...i don't think i'll have the same kind of mementos to mark the time so clearly and take me back to particular moments so vividly. that's a little sad.

Does Anyone Know Where a Girl Can Find a Kichle?

i love me some bakery cookies. its quite possible i just ate 5. they are just so yummy and the sprinkles are such bright colors. i love the way they crunch (the sprinkles) when i bite down and the way they crumble (the cookie) as it sits in my mouth. i can't remember a time as "grownup me" when i bought bakery cookies for myself, or, for that matter, the last time i was in a bakery that sold bakery cookies, but they were waiting for me at work today and they seem to scream my name each time i walk by the bubbler to fill up my water bottle. i have very clear memories of going to the Beverlywood Bakery on Pico Blvd, and getting rye bread, challah and cookies before shabbat. and i just had another one. bakery cookies are the anti-diet.

last night while ABN helped BESTIE move a couch, i caught up on some of the TV that i missed during my busy week. i watched nothing memorable, even anthony lapaglia left something to be desired (i still have high hopes for the season finale this thursday night). gossip girl too, is leaving me unfulfilled...the slimy, blond, suicidal kid is supposed to be gay? duh! i would have gone for asexual - much more interesting. i am LURVING gerogina...she is just all kinds of nastica. i'm holding out hope that whitney takes it all on ANTM...i think she's gorgeous (even if she does over pose every freaking time!).

this weekend the parents AND the in-laws descend for graduation. i'm already making lists. there are things to be washed and dried, bleached and scrubbed, polished and dusted. i'm stressing that my new-new flat iron (yes, i decided to return the 1.5"-er) won't arrive in time. i'm worried i won't have time to get a mani/pedi. i'm charting out my various outfits for the various meals/celebrations...all while remembering i just ate 6 bakery cookies!

alright i have to get my big(ger) tush to the gym. this knee thing is taking a toll on m fitness schedule. but oprah is about to begin and now is as good a time as any. tomorrow in the too-early-am i'm back to the doctor to tell him that yes, my knee still hurts. then i'm recruiting at bofa for big brothers and big sisters (cuz its my job) and then i have a board meeting tomorrow night - all while waiting for the freaking agency newsletter to come out of the closet - serious hives AND tummy ache. at some point i have to squeeze in picking up ABN's graduation gift - but just in case he's reading (hi, you're cute!), i'll leave it at that...

There are Some Things that you Shouldn't Recycle

i've had this annoying, low-grade headache since last tuesday. it's not stopped me from doing anything but at the same time, when i'm not doing anything, i'm very aware of this ever-present feeling mostly on my left side, going from my temple to my jaw. i switch back and forth between taking tylenol and not taking tylenol and hoping that one of these choice's help.

i think that looking at a computer screen makes my head hurt a bit more than it does when i'm not looking at a computer screen, so i'm going to keep this short. ABN and i spent a good part of the weekend

outside...it was beautiful. after a few days of not so nice weather, needing sunglasses was a welcome change. we also ate lots of good food (lots and good) and spent a night in a hotel room that had a big, three person jacuzzi bathtub (which i found curious...two person...duh, but three person...that's a bit more interesting...no? and there was no question it was definitely intended for three people, three distinct areas for a tush, with jets). we also stopped by a fair (we are fair people) and went into many used bookstores (one of which sells erotica...which led me to the obvious question...used erotica...really?). we drank drinks in a bar that is in a tunnel....its called the tunnel bar (the drinks were probably not so great for my head but were very good for my soul). ABN was asked to speak at graduation next weekend so we spent our time in the tunnel talking about things he might talk about, and things he might not. yes, it was a very good weekend.

now we are home, ABN is off to help BESTIE move a couch and i am pleasantly perched on my couch, enjoying my DVR. in pajamas. life is good (if i could just get rid of this damn headache).

Como Se Llama?

 i find that i spend a lot of time, over thinking things that others find simple,  trying to make tough decisions: what i am going to wear to work the next day?  what shoes will be most comfortable for walking.  should i bring an umbrella?  is it time to reapply sunscreen?  but i find that when i do come to a decision, i pretty much like to stick with what i decide.  once i've figured it out, i can move on to my next challenge.  

so this is why, sometime around 4th grade, i decided what i would name my first born son.  i'm not sure how i came to the decision, or who put the name in my head, but THE NAME, has been a known in my life for quite some time.  i have no clue what i would name a little girl, or what i would name a second son for that matter, and find that i often lay awake at night, thinking about names that might work (while at the same time trying to figure out if my wool pants are going to itch at my waist where there is no lining).  this is just the way mind works - judge if you will.  while it is clear there are many things i DO worry about, for years i have expressly not worried about what to name a first born son.  so there.

those days are now officially over.  i have a mix of emotions as i announce that my one and only, Older Cousin M gave birth to a beautiful and healthy bouncing baby boy this morning. i'm so excited for them and especially for my grandma (just in time for mother's day) and my 90 year old papa...what could better than great grandkids?   it's great, wonderful, mazel tov!  except for one minor (MAJOR) problem, the baby has MY BABY NAME!!!  

i mean, IT IS a great name, so why wouldn't you want it.  the kid has got to be pretty cute, with such an adorable name.  but its not too adorable, like one of those names that you are going to grow out of...no when he's all grown up he's pretty much guaranteed to be a great guy with a name like his.  you hear the name and you think jewish, which to me, is important.  but you also know the name, and pronounce and spell it correctly (at the time i made my decision, way back in 4th grade, this probably didn't matter that much, but now that i have this wack-a-do hyphenated last name, its pretty important).  by far the best part of the name though is that its great in its full form and just as great in nickname form - so the kid's got choices and can identify a bit differently at various stages of his life - clearly i have personal experience with this!  i also have always had this weird fantasy (i admit it's sick) that my kid __ would be best friend's with a kid with the same name.  so my kid___BN would go over to play at ___ S's house...how cute is that?

ABN thinks i have officially lost my mind.  its quite possible (although if questioned i would argue til the bitter end) that i had never even mentioned my intention of a name to him.  but that has a lot to do with the fact that i had made a decision (it happens so rarely) and really hadn't questioned it since.  

for the last two hours, since news of bouncing baby arrived, i have been wondering - is it okay for 2nd cousins to have the same name?  is it weird for a great-grandmother to have two great grandkids with the same name? (i know, i'm not anywhere near pregnant...if it helps we can think of this questions as completely disconnected from me personally...its simply interesting to consider in general...right?).

regardless of what conclusion i come to on the "same name within the fam" front, i will never be totally and completely settled on a name in the same way again.  i know myself, i will question and question and reconsider until the kid has popped out.  maybe that's better, maybe that means the kid will end up with a name that is true to him (or her) rather than one that is built on my 4th grade reality.  still, i just hope i (we...now ABN can have a say!) can figure this out before the kid graduates high school - i wasn't kidding when i said i had a difficult time making a decision.  

  

When you Gotta Go...

i pee a lot more than the average girl. basically at any given moment, i need to pee, and most likely i'm holding it. i don't know why. i don't remember peeing a lot as a child, or feeling the constant need to go way back when. but now...its constant. no matter how much i pee, i always have to pee again.

my need to pee drives ABN nutso. i mean, i hear him, i get how it could cramp someones style. it makes travelling long distances difficult (if i want to make the 2.5 hour drive from boston to westport without stopping i basically have to stop consuming liquid 48 hours beforehand). and my constant bouncing and squirming in hopes of controlling my bladder isn't pretty to watch. but i seriously don't know how to change things...i honestly believe this is just the way i was made.

if i drink a bottle of water, or a diet coke or a coffee (all things i do on a regular basis, like, say during a typical work day) i don't just pee once like everyone else. i pee at least a half-dozen times. its as if once i start i can't stop. i've decided its a condition, i am unable to fully release my bladder. still, i fear that my coworkers might suspect the worst, she can't possibly be peeing that often, she must be doing cocaine (i mean, that's what i would think if it were someone else!).

i fear things most people look forward to - going to the movies, taking a long walk, going to a fancy dinner party - because i worry if i will be able to easily find a place to pee...without missing the fun and causing an interruption.

if this is the state of my bodily functions at 27...what's ahead? what's going to happen when i'm pregnant? i fear more than swollen feet are in my future....

I Know Mother's Day isn't Until Sunday But...

i generally talk to my mom on the phone everyday. at least once. ususally more. we email too. in between. this is what normal looks like to me.



my parents are in italy right now and have been for the last week and a half. and so i haven't talked to my mom every day. we've actually only spoken a couple of times and emailed once. and it feels not normal to me. i'm not a fan.



i know that i talk to my mom more than most. i'm not ususally aware of how often we ARE talking but what i've been thinking about, the last few days, is how strange it is to NOT be talking. i feel like something is missing and i don't like it.



my relationship with my mom DRAMATICALLY improved after i moved out of the house. the years of 14-21 (at least) were not the happiest of mother daughter years. i have a difficult time now, remembering what it felt like to be a daughter back then, but i know, from what my mom tells me, it was very trying to be my mother. today i feel bad for how i made her feel during those years. i doubt i could have done things differently, i was an unhappy teenager and after working with many unhappy teens myself i now how stubborn WE can be, but it makes me sad to know i made my mom so sad.



things i love about my mom...today:

she doesn't dye her gorgeous silver/gray hair no matter how many times her friends from LA and westport tell her to

she's in a bookclub, sometimes they read trash, sometimes they read russian classics

she would rather have alone time with my dad then spend it with anyone else (except maybe me)

she calls me when she finds a good deal at dsw

when i come home she makes me a taco salad

she wore two left shoes to my wedding

she's a great mother-in-law to ABN and his sister

she calls me during award shows

she emails me when celebrities do things that i would appreciate in LA

she is obsessed with knowing what is going on with my friends

she likes to cuddle

she still likes to put my cold nose in her eye

she and my dad play one game of bananagrams a night, after dinner

she acknowledges that sometimes she gives The King more credit than he deserves

she saves wedding invitations/xmas cards/high school and camp mailings for me to look at

when i am away she wishes i was near

i've been sort of down the last couple of days and this morning i decided it was partly because i'm missing my mom. i feel a mix of lameness and love...i can't imagine living in the same town as my parents (the thought actually makes me breakout in hives) but i like where we're at right now. i wouldn't want it any other way.

My Life

my day included a harrowing drive down I-95 in the backseat of my supervisor's mustang convertible. music blaring, hair going all over the place while my boss and the clinical director sat in the front seats - i felt like their child. i then gave a 20 minute presentation to a group of educators.

i am now off to the executive committee meeting, after a nice, calming walk on the treadmill at the gym while watching barbara walters talk about her affair on oprah. i took a shower, straightened my hair and did my makeup. i forgot underwear...should be an interesting meeting.

there is nothing normal about a jewish non-profit.

Life Lessons Learned from an Older Sister

i had a very funny conversation with The King this past friday. it was an online conversation...we don't really talk on the phone this often. It went something like this...

The King: so i got invited to my friend's wedding

me: cool

The King: yeah but the thing is there was nothing about an And Guest on the invite, so what do i do?

me: what do you mean?

The King: do i just call her and tell her i've got one?

me: got one what?

The King: an And Guest

i realize i really can't blame The King for not knowing about wedding ettiquette. i mean after all, i'm pretty sure the only wedding he has ever been to was mine, and for that, even though at the time he wasn't in a relationship, he did get an And Guest (and if i could do it over again, one of the few things i would change about MY special day is taking away his And Guest, or at least picking out who was allowed to be his And Guest but really, its too late now, its a waste of time to dwell). i felt a little bad breaking it to him that it didn't matter that he now has a GF (it is totally shocking), he doesn't get to call up the bride to let her know he's bringing his special someone along. dear King, i am so sorry to break it to you, that is just not how the world works.

how did The King meet this girl? i found her.

one day, late last year, The King emailed me about various groups he was thinking of joining in order to meet people (recent college grad, trying to establish himself in the community). as we got to talking (again, chatting) it became clear that really what he needed was jdate. he was so against it for so long, but sometimes (according to my mother) he listens to me, and this time, he was open to it.

i love living vicariously through friends (and now relatives) who use the site. i write a mean profile (don't use the word love, and be specific), will tell you exactly what to wear on a first date (jeans and heels, its important to get a true sense of height) and have a strict rule that you should have never engage in a pre-first-date phone call (it can only be awkward, nothing good can come of it). for someone who never did online dating herself, i have very strong convictions about the process.

together we did the profile, i found some pictures that i thought were suitable (although he also snuck in a few that i DID NOT approve of...mustache...ick!) and he started hotlisting a few prospects. when i signed on later that day as The King (note: this is what happens when you willingly give me your password), i noticed that he had chosen two types of girls: blondes with big boobs with names like jewychick1985 or skinny, goth girls with black hair and drug references in their profiles. um...no.

i added one girl to his list...in her profile picture she had her hair in braided pigtails with a bandana. she said she had been on birthright. she looked like camp.

The King is the only person in the history of jdate (at least that i know of) who went out with exactly one person - their relationship is now going on 6 months...guess which girl he went out with?*

*anyone interested in my matchmaking services, inquire within

You Know You're a Blogger...When?

so for the past couple of days i have been trying to figure out what it means that i am doing this - writing, online, a place where people i know, and don't know, can see, and read.  it started for two simple reasons: 1. ABN had one (god, it even looks cool) and i was jealous that people he didn't know where interested in what he was posting, and 2. i've been trying for months (years?) to get back to writing, in really any form, and this seemed as good a start as any.  

until recently, as in yesterday, my meanderings on the internet were relegated to blogs of people i know (or really, use to know) and blogs about celebrities, so people i know.  since yesterday was cold and rainy, i did 5 loads of laundry and watched 6 episodes of house all while reading blogs of regular people, i don't know.  ABN was surprised.  "what are the blogs about?," he asked.  i tried to explain that i was reading about everyday life.  other people's every day life.  apparently other people out there read about topics of interest but for me, reading about the most intimate details of people i don't know is completely fascinating.  i plan to stick with that.  i'm still learning how to make way through the millions of blogs that are out there, and i'm struggling to learn the lingo (meme?  wtf!?) but once i get a better idea of the true jewels out there i will be sure to share.  

oh, one more thing on the blog front...how do you decide who you tell about your blog, and is there an appropriate time to disclose?  its possible i came out a bit too quickly, largely because ABN and i are having a bit of a competition (okay, its completely one-sided, on my side) about who gets more hits (we have a very healthy marriage).  he had like a six month head start so i wasn't feeling too bad but then all of a sudden he was stumbledupon (whatever the fuck that means) and now he's being checked out by everyone and their mother.  i decided a sure fire way to up the ante was to post on facebook, which is good and all but really, i give him major credit that those coveted strangers that are checking him out.  

in addition to many many many episodes of house (hello hugh laurie) i have also recently become addicted to intervention.  it is bad.  really really bad that i get such pleasure out of watching people in their most private and fragile moments but really, it is shocking.  and i am totally captivated.  i'm rooting for them all the way, and at the same time i'm totally expecting them to fall (i'm sick, i know).  i long for the moment at the end of the show (okay full disclosure, if they shoot up i've been known to skip to the end because its just too painful to watch) when the producers let the viewer (me) know what happens during recovery.  i find myself dreaming about where these people are now.  i know that having a glass of wine while watching would make my experience as a viewer that much more complete, but i also get that that idea sort of makes me a bad person.

i'm off to run what feels like a million errands but involves a mani and pedi so it's really not that bad.  i brought home work to do this weekend which will likely take up most of my evening...i really expected to be able to get more done while watching house and intervention yesterday...weird.

I've Always had a Thing for Guys with Prematurely Grey Hair

if propositioned, i would definitely have ira glass's babies. in a second. obsessed does not do my feelings justice. last night was insane. i literally arrived at the movie theater an hour early to get the best seats (remember, it was in a movie theater). i was sitting there, by myself while i waited for ABN and our friend to pick up sandwiches and sneak it in, with the biggest smile on my face, taking pictures of the movie screen:

i am SUCH a dork.

the show was incredible - the perfect mix of stories and ira. and all his cuteness. i felt one with my fellow fans as they watched in movie theaters across the country. i longed to be at the theater in new york where the show was recorded live, but i also realized that i would have probably been way too excited/overwhelmed/hyperventilating to enjoy the show. before the show they did 30 minutes (which i saw all of) of animated entertainment (think: rather than movie trivia it was a lot of npr/TAL/current event/humor hangman). britney spears, law and order, my so-called life, car talk, it was all there - the only thing missing was 90210 (but since the last we saw TAL live ira SANG the OC theme song, i really can't complain). how is a girl to sleep after a night like that?

this is what you, with showtime, have to look forward to this season...i'm still laughing....

as of now our weekend consists of a whole lot of nothing - which is more than fine by me. ABN must finish his revisions (they are due on the 7th) and with all the interviews and pre-interviews (that's right!) the revisions have been pushed to the side. so while he works on those i plan to do massive amounts of laundry and spend hours catching up with all my friends inside my tv. are you jealous? i also think i'm bringing some work home with me, which is so not normal but when you blog when you're at work i guess its okay to work a bit from home.

Update - Flat Iron Saga 2008: i plugged the flat iron in this morning and so far so good. i'm at a bit of a loss over whether i should stick with the 1.5" that i ordered or trade it in for a 1" wonder. i'm use to the 1" chi and with short hair its definitely the way to go. but i have the 1.5" and to mail it back seems like a bit of a hassle (i know, its not really but it is a trip to the post office) and it means that for at least a couple of days i'm without an iron...i find myself in quite the pickle.

also, i'm in the middle of a major technology crush. as in...i'm hungering for a new piece of equipment - which, is a very odd state to be in, especially for me. who prefers crafts to technology. every time. lately it seems when i see someone with a new phone or a new computer i get ridiculously jealous - to the point of thinking bad thoughts. there is something wrong with me. but right now, there is nothing sexier than this except maybe this.

oy.

and did mariah carey really get married? inquiring minds REALLY want to know.

My Very Merry Mailman

IT arrived.  so while i haven't had a chance to put its power into action, the fact that it arrived in LESS THAN 24 hours is a huge vote for folica.com

i'll be up early tomorrow to shower and straighten...until then...

Oh Rexy, You're So Sexy

it's BETTER than rex manning day! It's IRA GLASS day! as, quite possibly, the biggest THIS AMERICAN LIFE fan EVER - i was beyond excited when i heard that ira (who i invited to my wedding) would be doing a live show in NYC and broadcasting to movie theaters across the country. its highly possible that i was the first person to purchase tickets - since when i first tried to log in at the designated time, it wasn't ready and then i just kept re-loading the page over and over and over again until i was able to make my purchase.

i love everything about TAL - ira, the other contributors (especially sarah vowell), the musical interludes, the fact that when i can't sleep, it puts me to sleep - every time, without exception. i love that ABN and i love TAL - together. i can't believe i don't currently have showtime...i'm honestly not sure how i am going to handle not watching the new season of the tv show as it happens. my life is so hard. its quite possible that my idea of a perfect night was last week when we ordered-in sushi and watched ira on david letterman on dvr...perfection.

in other news, i was totally and completely wrong about matt lauer's location today. which did not come as a surprise (but of course, i got overly excited that i might be right). istanbul - SO OBVIOUS, to everyone but me. it stings even more because i've been there, and because fairy chimneys are in turkey too - its as if matt knows about the blog, my secret is out. my flat iron has shipped, and not a moment too soon. in the end i went with the Sedu which promises to be gentle on my damaged hair - i'm hoping to get some shine back as well.

i'm currently in the middle of a minor panic attack at my non-stressful job. the powers that be have decided that organizations that don't have direct ties to israel cannot participate this year's israel fair...i am currently the only person with this knowledge because my supervisor is out of the office at a meeting. he is not going to be happy with this news...the powers that be have no idea how high the shit is about to hit the fan. the anticipation is killing me.

if only rex manning was here...