in the last couple of weeks i've noticed that i've started having tummy aches - regularly. for some this might cause concern about some sort of internal digestive something - a trip to the doctor? or at least being more aware of what you eat. but for me? i know the cause of these tummy aches - there's only one thing that causes my muscles to tighten and cramp, that causes my skin to stretch tight across my bloated belly. i'm anxious about something kids...the only question that remains is - what's the source?
for a long while i thought my tummy aches were just my natural way. at some point in college i started chomping on tums more than the average red head girl and on one trip home my mom insisted that i see a doctor. after having a series of unpleasant tests (yep, that one, that one and THAT one..ugh) and removing all dairy INCLUDING CHEESE (oh, it was so hard!) from my diet and still seeing no real change - i quit going to doctors, reintroduced gouda and popped antacids.
years passed, i became the girl who always had a tummy ache - and then i started therapy. sitting in a chair that creaked more than i was comfortable with, in the corner of them room that had the space heater (i spent a lot of my time in therapy wondering if my therapist was cold), we talked about my downfall (didn't that sound dramatic) and the effect all of my hard work to keep my life looking like it was in one piece, had on me. did someone say, tummy ache?
and over time they became few and far between. i learned to take deep breaths. to talk about my worries, to share my concerns with my people, to exercise and sleep. it took a while but with the appearance of ABN playing a major role in my life...my tummy aches all but disappeared.
there have been flare ups before - taking classes in NYC, carrying the weight of a school full of suicidal teens and teachers (what? that's normal, no?), spending more money than i have...but i've been really good about recognizing the warning signs - pulling ABN's sleeve and mouthing...help.
this time is really no different. my tummy aches are coming from a known source - and ABN and i have been talking about it mostly constantly for the last few days. the questions i'm asking are good. and once i figure out my stuff and take at least a step in one direction or another, moving my life forward no matter what, i'm sure my tummy will settle. i'm just sort of wondering...when?
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