#77

my prom was the climactic end to my anti-climactic high school experience.

here’s the briefest of histories - in august before my junior year of high school my parents dragged me kicking and screaming from one coast (warm, sunny, filled with family and friends) to the other (cold, rainy and where we knew no one - at least these polarities where how I viewed my transition at the time). against everyone’s advice i spent the first 20 months in my new town locked in my attic bedroom or babysitting my next door neighbors. i have absolutely no recollection of what initially forced me (i’m sure I was kicking and screaming again) out during those last two months - but i do know that i quickly made up for lost time. while i might have been extremely depressed, i was damn determined to also have a typical high school experience - even if it killed my ego.

so there was exactly one drunken party. and exactly one boy (okay in all honesty there were two more boys earlier in my tenure who I now know expressed interest but at the time i argued that both were gay, and only confused and i would just like to say for the record - that in both instances i was correct - see, even if depressed i still read people well…). and there were even four or five girls that i considered friends (in my memory today they were all named JESSICA which totally isn’t reality but i do think adds to my story).

[i'm sitting here, trying to think of a good fake name for the one boy who did like me (and not just for my fashion sense) but his real name sounds so much like i made it up you wouldn’t believe me anyway].

VINNY was the captain of the wrestling team. he had a perfectly round baby face with flawless porcelain skin (a rare find in high school) and these massive cheeks that turned (and often stayed) bright red. i think his mom is a lesbian (which, i think even at the time, i thought was the coolest part about him). i had a class with him junior year and then definitely ran into him while out to dinner with my parents over the summer (he was working, it was MORTIFYING). then we had more classes together senior year and my friends were sorta friends with his friends…whatever it was it became clear (even to me) that he was interested. this was all happening around the time i stopped spending my lunch hour in the library (i was really miserable) and started going to the cafeteria (just thinking about this time makes me want to curl up into a ball and die).

iMing had just become (at least for me) all the rage and one afternoon i was home (what the hell else was I going to do) and chatting with VINNY who i think was home sick (hot!). somehow he convinced me to come over to his house - he would help me study for a spanish test. i think. i do remember that i consciously changed my clothes before i went over. i can remember EXACTLY what i was wearing (shocking even to me). dark jeans (from express), a boat neck white long-sleeve tshirt and a grey zip up fleece, that i kept on the entire time i was there. we sat on his couch and talked for a while and i have this totally unbelievable memory but i’m almost certain that he had JEWEL playing on his stereo. Huh. anyway, i have no clue what we were talking about (i doubt spanish) but i do remember that as it became clear to me that i should be leaving it also became clear to me that he was going to kiss me. and i freaked. and so when he went in for it, even touching my cheek with his stubby, wrestler fingers, i turned my face as far the other way as possible and hugged him tight - in hopes that he couldn’t move - if he couldn’t move there would be no kiss. i then ran out his door, took a second to turn my madonna cd on full blast and proceeded to drive the wrong way down his one way street. classy.

by the time he came back to school two days later, he was dating someone else. i missed my chance.

fast forward 3 weeks (okay 4) and it’s prom. at the very last minute my friends convinced me that i should go and we all went as a group, getting ready at JESSICA’s house. there were pictures and champagne and a limo. VINNY and his GIRLFRIEND even road with us. i think it was fun. i danced with friends and with the two other guys (who might have also danced together) but every time GIRLFRIEND would run off to the bathroom (and remember, we all ran off a lot at prom….there was a ton to gossip about) VINNY would pull me onto the dance floor, usually for a slow song, and hold me close, until GIRLFRIEND reemerged and i quickly made my safe exit.

at some point GIRLFRIEND disappeared for a while and this time when VINNY pulled my arm, hard (remember, he was the captain of the wrestling team) it was clear we were going somewhere other than the dance floor. he led me, in my hot pink, floor length ball gown skirt and black tank top from the gap (i was always fashion forward) through the lobby and out to the circle in front of the hotel where all the limos were waiting. it was dark and their was a fountain at the center; we sat on the ledge.

i knew i had an important decision to make - we were out there, among the cigarette smoking limo drivers for only one purpose. what VINNY didn’t know was that prom was really the end of the road for me. i was going back to school \ the following monday to take my only final and then i was outta there, heading to the west coast before anyone had time to stop me and i had no plans on looking back. there would be no graduation ceremony, no parties, no tearful goodbyes for this red head. there would be absolutely no consequences for my actions. it was now…or never. so when he leaned in this time, i didn’t turn my head. i went in fully aware with both eyes open. i kissed an italian.

before he opened his eyes i was already heading, skipping, back into the prom. to dance the last dance, with my friends. smiling the biggest smile I had ever let westport see.