Shabbat Sh-Packing!

for the last 4 hours, i have been trying to turn on my laptop.  ugh. i cannot wait until august.  

i am exhausted.  last night was the volunteer bbq at work and while it was the low key event i had hoped, it did involve a lot of last minute this and that and driving here and there.  there were tikki torches and brightly colored pinwheels and cheap beer (i'm not sure why) - all the makings of my kind of party.  rather than my backyard, i hosted the event in the backyard of the jcc.  rather than my friends, i hosted a party for big brothers and sisters (but in the end, like all good friends do - mine showed up...with a special surprise showing from my BROWN friend).  i was happy with the night, and i am glad that it is over.

i spent 50 minutes today at A&E's house.  they are already on the cape (we are joining them tomorrow) but they forgot a few things and i went over to dig through drawers and one scary basement to find the necessities.  it's just been a very busy few days (weeks) and i'm ready to sit on the beach and do nothing. 

i interviewed a young woman (who as quite tall) for my job today.  i liked her...and that made me feel like i could take a deep breath.  

tim russert died.  it makes me feel sad.  i often spend my sunday mornings with him and my coffee.  ABN is usually still asleep, or on his computer, so he doesn't understand.  i know there is a difference between what i am feeling and what real grief feels like - but at the same time, change, especially unexpected change, makes me feel uneasy in general.  and in this case, i can't help but worry about the people i care about.

while i couldn't get my computer to turn on i packed for this weekend.  i currently have 8 reusable grocery bags of full of bathing suits, big shirts, sheets, towels, food and wine.  i am a horrible packer.  i break out in hives, and spend hours sitting on the couch staring off into space.  it is sure to be a great weekend.

Is it Possible for my Knee to Get Stuck - Bent?

today: i woke up at 4am with a jolt. somehow i remembered (correctly) that i had a 7:30am meeting to discuss our new website (and by our i mean, work). instead of going back to sleep i lay in bed and listened to the air conditioner hum (not so much hum but gargle, burp, cough and finally purr...but i'm not complaining...it kept the room livable). oh, and i got myself a tall glass of water - i went out with the SAMS GIRLS last night and might have had a jager bomb right as we were leaving. at ten of six i got out of bed and jumped in the shower. while our room had stayed cool the rest of the apartment was a freakin' oven so i ran around (naked) opening every window (it was early, the rest of the world was still sleeping) including the window in our shower and while i made sure the shade was drawn there was a definite breeze on my tush as i showered which i found...strange. i made coffee, blow dried my hair (even in extreme heat i girl must look her best), put on my pretty white shower dress (ie the dress i wore to my bridal shower last year), drank coffee, straightened my hair and jetted out the door. i arrived at work at exactly 7:15.

at 7:45 i was still the only one in the office.

at 7:50 i promptly spilled my entire mug of coffee on my pretty white shower dress.

at 7:55 after patting myself dry i decided as it was now clear that no one else was coming to our scheduled meeting, i would run to target (nothing else is open that early) and get a new something to wear. i was having a shitty day and i certainly was going to have a shitty AND stained day. i got there in no time, picked out a cute skirt and tank top and jetted back to work.

65 minutes later i arrived back at my desk. i hate traffic and i hate that boston is not a grid.

i missed my PT appointment and my knee is super unhappy - i blame the three flights of stairs in westport.

the day did get better. i treated myself to diet coke and coffee, a bagel with cream cheese and peanut m&ms. tonight i'm going out for ice cream. i'm moving in a week and a half, i cannot be judged. my supervisor sent an email to the board letting them know that i was leaving - he said really nice things and made me cry. i told him he had to leave my office.

____________________________________________

i've been holding off posting today because, on top of everything else going on, i'm reassessing my need (or my lack of need) to blog. i mean, this 100% came out of the fact that ABN had one and i want everything that he has (okay not everything...but he made this seem really cool). and i have enjoyed (?) making time in most of my days to sit and write. i know its good for me. but i do question what i'm writing about, and i know others do as well. in any writing i have done, my stories have always (to some extent) been about me. its not that i think i'm so interesting (because really everyone i know is more interesting then me) but i do like to get aspects of my life (real or imagined) out of my head and on to paper (screen). i sort of assume that in the coming weeks, as ABN and i begin our cross country adventure and then begin to attempt to settle into life out west, the landscape of this blog will change...until then, just know i'm thinking about it....

HEAT WAVE!

it's been hella hot the last few days here in westport and nyc and while i'm ready to head back for a final ten days in boston (oy) i'm nervous about how we'll survive without central air.  i have to say, if the gods are trying to make me feel better about heading to the OTHER coast, weather like this is all i need.  i can handle heat (or so i tell myself and anyone else who will listen) but it's so freaking wet...and when it rained on sunday the temperature didn't even drop.  it was as if the humidity simply started falling from the sky.

in these few days of running around we got to see basically everybody we've ever known.  its amazing the way a new home and an unknown timeline can make your friends and fam drop everything to see you (it made us both feel very loved).  there was juice at whole foods, dinner at dos cominos, a steamy sleep in brooklyn (not that kind of steamy), a BIG brunch gathering at the heights cafe and a boat tour around manhattan with the cutest COUPLE OF RABBIS this world has ever seen.  i had missed future MRS COUPLE OF RABBIS bachelorette party due to AA cancelling flights back in april so it was way important that we have special time this weekend.  as a way of not having to say goodbye quite yet, COUPLE OF RABBIS announced they plan to make the trek to boston for our official going away party which just made me want to melt (and it was hot).  their wedding isn't until october so the more time i can spend with them the better i feel.

we FINALLY took my parents out to dinner in the city as a thank you for such a FABULOUS wedding way back in september.  we went to MAS farmhouse, the restaurant in the village where DBN works in the kitchen on garmage (its french, i have no idea).  we had a truly fabulous meal, my parents were thrilled and although ABN and i were probably the stickiest, smelliest, sweatiest people ever to step foot in the chi chi place (think the best of the best of TOP CHEF) i left feeling unjudged.  if you find yourself in new york you should totally go there.  it's way more than we can afford but we all said (and my parents are major foodies) that it was the best meal any of us could remember (and we were just at blue ginger a month ago!).

i cam back to westport (ABN spent a few extra days with DBN) and spent an extra long time with MONICA (eyelashes, eyebrows AND facial) as well as with my mom and dad.  i did all the things they love - we went to the diner ate blintzes for shavuot and sat in the den and watched tv together (with one very loud air conditioner).  my mom gets teary repeatedly (like when i asked if could borrow devil in the white city and she questioned how she would get it back) i'm assuming that will pass (?) and this move is going to be the right thing for all of us.  

as a side note - with all this sun (which for me included time at the beach AND the 3 hour boat ride) i was expecting major sunburn.  but i've been very good about applying (and reapplying) and seem to have only missed two major small body parts - my ankles (i got my legs and the tops of my feet, quite an accomplishment) AND my bellybutton - it looks so strange so red.

Surviving on Diet Coke and Coffee

last night BESTIE came over for dinner and help with jdate. in order to support my fragile mental state he let me take control and email whoever i wanted (as long as they were "cute") whatever i wanted. its been a few days since i smiled so big. there were definitely a lot of ladies who i skipped over, a few who i audibly UGHed, and one who's profile reminded me so much of BESTIE'S ex (she described herself as extremely confident, driven and a true catch) that i had to quickly minimize the window for fear that she might be able to see me! still, there were more than a few that stood out in a good way and a couple that i might have fallen in love with...just a little bit (one girl who offered to make me, i mean BESTIE, a lamb chop!) i had to stop myself twice from ending the emails - love, LBN. i'll keep you updated with how i do.

i've been in quite the STATE the last few days - and i feel pretty bad about it, which only increases the STATE i'm in. it's not that i'm not excited about SF...i can't wait for the two of us to start a new life, to have an adventure, to live on the west coast. i'm just totally and completely overwhelmed by the idea that all of this is happening so quickly, that i am leaving my job/apartment, that i have to say goodbye (OH GOD). ABN is taking care of all the plans and doing things like cooking dinner and as amazing (i hate that word) as he is being...i'm pouty and naggy and bitchy to boot. i can't shake it...hence, the STATE. my neck hurts, i have no appetite, i'm not really sleeping, i'm working like a million hours because soon i will be working no hours, i'm not going to the gym, my knee hurts, right now its cold and rainy, tomorrow it will be hot and sweaty...i could go on...

if i keep this up though, no one is going to miss me much, and ABN is going to tie me to the roof rather than let me drive across the country with him.

we're headed to westport tonight and nyc tomorrow night to see friends and family. i'm focusing on packing for these few days rather than packing for anything else.

i had an mri last month and finally, after calling four times, the dr (read: asshole) called me back. he did say something about a plica but i was so pissed at him i basically tuned him out. he offered me nothing except that he did suggest i should find another doctor once i land in SF. thanks.

last night when BESTIE came over he brought with him a bag of mystery dorritos. i was convinced that they were margarita flavor. i was wrong. but i did eat about half a bag.

The Truth is Out There

i haven't been posting because it wasn't time to be public...but now is time. ABN has accepted a job (a fabulous job) and we're headed (faster then you can say see you later alligator) to San Fran. wow...just typing it makes me want to reach for the ativan. not because i am not excited...i am. i am SO freakin' excited. but i am also completely overwhelmed, broken over the idea of leaving and scared shitless of what we will find once we get there. but yes, we're very excited.

it's been a crazy few days full of tears and cheers (largely when i realized at 4am i can have in 'n out anytime i want). my grandparents are ecstatic, my parents are sad to see us go and my curly friend, well she's inconsolable. i'm caught up in all the drama that involves a cross-country move, even when not responsible for packing, and have decided to leave my feelings alone for as long as possible. i'm also not thinking about what i will do once i get there because really...right now it doesn't matter.

ready for crazy? this week we're in nyc/westport...next weekend we're on the cape (thank god) and then the following weekend we take off....well, drive off, into the sunset.

more details later...now i will just sip my coffee, try to find a replacement at work (it's possible my boss cried when i told him i was leaving) and continue to breathe....

Update

i took drugs.
and they helped.
and ABN made a decision.
and that helped too.
and we are both excited.
and i am also sad.
all of this and so much more will be explained in future posts...because now this is all still very unofficial...even for cyberspace.

tonight we will drink lots of wine with two very lovely ladies.

It's June 1st

my anxiety is officially mounting.  i had a "graduation" dream last night/this morning that was so vivid i was convinced i wasn't dreaming; screaming at the others in my dream that it had to be real.  the right people were there - the roommates, the GUCCI boys.  ABN was missing, which made sense.   i woke up aggravated, agitated and itchy.  my head hurts.  i have red blotches on my back.  i got in the shower and screamed out loud as i scrubbed my face.  i sat on the floor of the bathtub and let the water rain over me.  

i am making mental lists of things i will need to do.  work.  apartment.  life.  i feel like i can't act on anything now because there is no news.  nothing official.  no word, no decision.  but at the same time, i can't just sit back and relax and let whatever happens happen because, come on, that would be someone else, someone who is not me, someone who i can't be.  that is "live in the moment" bullshit.  

we had plans to picnic again today...the weather is beautiful...but the idea of sitting outside in the sun, relaxing with a book...is panic inducing.  if i can't relax my shoulders, how in the hell am i supposed to relax my mind?  so instead, hopefully we'll brunch and then i'll spend the afternoon running around, filling my time (and my mind) until we meet others for a birthday bbq (distraction and a dog...not a bad combination).  

my fingers and toes are swollen (which is probably unrelated) so i am left to wear only my comfort-fit yellow gold wedding band - i dig the retro look.  but when i look down at my hands, it does look like something is missing.  and i can't figure out which is better.  i'm wearing a skirt that we bought while gallivanting through belize and guatemala on our honeymoon...it feels like it compensates for my lack of rings....

so far i've dealt with my anxiety on my own...no drugs.  i'm not sure if it's good or bad; i'm not sure which is less consuming.