my anxiety is officially mounting. i had a "graduation" dream last night/this morning that was so vivid i was convinced i wasn't dreaming; screaming at the others in my dream that it had to be real. the right people were there - the roommates, the GUCCI boys. ABN was missing, which made sense. i woke up aggravated, agitated and itchy. my head hurts. i have red blotches on my back. i got in the shower and screamed out loud as i scrubbed my face. i sat on the floor of the bathtub and let the water rain over me.
i am making mental lists of things i will need to do. work. apartment. life. i feel like i can't act on anything now because there is no news. nothing official. no word, no decision. but at the same time, i can't just sit back and relax and let whatever happens happen because, come on, that would be someone else, someone who is not me, someone who i can't be. that is "live in the moment" bullshit.
we had plans to picnic again today...the weather is beautiful...but the idea of sitting outside in the sun, relaxing with a book...is panic inducing. if i can't relax my shoulders, how in the hell am i supposed to relax my mind? so instead, hopefully we'll brunch and then i'll spend the afternoon running around, filling my time (and my mind) until we meet others for a birthday bbq (distraction and a dog...not a bad combination).
my fingers and toes are swollen (which is probably unrelated) so i am left to wear only my comfort-fit yellow gold wedding band - i dig the retro look. but when i look down at my hands, it does look like something is missing. and i can't figure out which is better. i'm wearing a skirt that we bought while gallivanting through belize and guatemala on our honeymoon...it feels like it compensates for my lack of rings....
so far i've dealt with my anxiety on my own...no drugs. i'm not sure if it's good or bad; i'm not sure which is less consuming.
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